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we're so close to something better left unknown
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18.12.09 still in italy, skiing now! i love love love love LOVE skiing. flying down the slopes at full speed in plushy powdery snow is such a high i can't even begin to describe it. we're in Cervinia now which is at the edge of italy i think and yesterday when we took a triple gondola ride up to Zermatt and there was a thick yellow line painted on the ground to mark the divide between Italy and Switzerland and i sat on the middle of it haha i can now say i have been in two places at one time. its around negative twenty degrees now and my fingers and toes pretty much freeze much into fleshy icicles after four hours of skiing. but the swiss alps are breath-takingly beautiful, and if we wrap up well the cold doesn't get to your bones.. i wish i could spend christmas here. but i miss all of you of course      All my life I've been searching for something Something i can't put my finger on Maybe I've been living for the weekend Maybe I've been living for this cyber soul But every friday just about midnight All my problems seem to disappear Everyone that I miss when I'm distant Everybody's here I need love Cause only love is true I need every waking hour with you And my friends cause they are so beautiful Yeah my friends they are so beautiful They're my friends 10.12.09 what does it take for you to see it? what will it take? smoke, ash. fire. hot water hits my face and it burns. but you take what you get. swallow my pride with a pill, and continue folding away the cracks. you would think that being a thousand miles away from home would put a distance between all of this and my head but no. the open door brings not only the winter chill but a new deep-seated anxiety that clings to your bones. you know their names, the gargoyles that leer over your body, each wielding scalpels and a cruel wink in their eyes. and yes, these are actual people. digging out pieces of my skin like kitschy souvenirs to bring home. let me be the first to tell you that you don't know the half of me. i'm spitting this out, a year's worth of epileptic exorcisms. tonight i am packing my bags for hell and leaving all of this shit behind 08.12.09 wow, has it been four days already? it seems like forever. hello from italy! we landed in milan two days ago: saturday morning we took a day trip up to Verona to visit the Roman amphitheatre, Arena, and the Roman churches. the weather is cold but not deathly; you could walk the streets glove-less. my fingers are freezing but its a feeling i can get used to. yesterday morning we took a train down to Cinque Terre, which is a part of the coast along the Mediterranean Sea, and we're staying at one of the seaside villages. its quiet here, peaceful. i like it very much. there aren't many tourists at all, and most of the people about town are locals. in the email shu wrote me she said, " italy looks so very very beautiful. it looks like it should be the backdrop of some awesome indie film and one of the scenes should involve a young and dashing and ITALIAN dude ravishing a young and beautiful and ITALIAN girl. they will then laugh and tickle each other playfully and go on a bike ride around the city. the film will feature artful shots of all the buildings + old people hobbling along + greengrocers. HAHAH. i'm making up nonsense. but you get the idea." and that's exactly what its like, with sprinkles of gelato shops and pizza eateries, and cute rugged italian boys carrying fishing boats.         i'm really happy here, spending good quality time with my parents and my baby sister (okay she's fifteen), eating lots of pasta and pizza, walking four to five hours everyday. tomorrow we're leaving cinque terre and taking a train up to florence, then sienna, to meet my cousins, and then back to milan in four days. then skiing at club med in the alps! i love italy :) hopefully i find free internet somewhere else soon so i can reply all of my friends' emails and upload more pictures! till then :)         04.12.09 ITALY CALLS MY NAME BE BACK 22ND DECEMBER X 03.12.09 go in disguise like a sleepyhead (remember my november) *side note* dear person who googled 'awkward jaws. awkward motions' which is also the starting of my 24th november post.. i wrote that you're not going to find it anywhere else. where credit for poetry and writing is due, i give it (unless i don't know the author, and if you do know where its from and tell me i will add it duh i'm not one of those people who pretend someone else's writing is written by them, i have zero respect for such people) yeaaaaaaah. everything else is written by me. its my blog for goodness sake from "the holidays are going by in a blur again, it’s already december and i haven’t done anything i’m supposed to.. revise past year’s work/study for SATs/work on IS. also, i am resigned to the fact that no matter what country i go to i will still suck at math. i thought being azn would give me an advantage over the americans when it comes to SAT math, shouldn’t it be in our DNA or something i mean come on we invented the abacus but i am not that good at it, though obviously not catastrophically abysmal as i am when it comes to H2 math. that is hardly a consolation though. english is my only redeeming factor though my rather uncanny ability to correctly guess the meaning of most words plays a major role in this. yesterday i watched fantastic mr fox with eve and nat, now i desperately need to own a bandit hat, preferably one with gold stars running down the front. all wes anderson films have a quality to it that is sort of endearingly kitschy..like the colours and fonts and random singing in mr fox and eli’s cowboy outfits in royal tenenbaums. oh and did you know sofia coppola and spike jonze were married?! so are nicole krauss and jonathan safran foer. i love it when i realise two people who i feel are such complements to each other are married, makes me believe in soulmates. also: balaclava is an interesting word which sounds like it refers to something edible." -yishu's blog                              
       And you said It was like fire around the brim Burning solid Burning thin the burning rim Like stars burning holes right through the dark Flicking fire like saltwater into my eyes You were one inch from the edge of this bed I drag you back a sleepyhead, sleepyhead 01.12.09           
little bit by lykke li hands down I'm too proud, for love but with eyes shut it's you I'm thinking of but how we move from A to B it can't be up to me cos I don't know eye to eye thigh to thigh I let go good morning first day of the last month of the year. december please be good to me. 29.11.09 FOR SALE   1) 160gb 6th Gen iPod Classic, gorgeous dark brown leather cover included, pristine condition, still under warranty, $320 2) 32gb 2nd Gen iPod Touch, scratchy mirrored back but other than that is in full working condition with a protective screen over the front, still with 6 more months of warranty, $350 SUCH GOOD DEALS RIGHT!!!! yup so if you're seriously interested, email me at herbonestructure@gmail.com, price is negotiable if your offer is reasonable! all my music (click here to see), videos (gossip girl, the office, grey's anatomy, how i met your mother, skins), and flood-it high scores (flooded in 15, beat that ging!) will be included if you like :) 27.11.09 my life may not always be peachy-keen but i get by with a little help from my friends. and trust me, that's all you really need. drop this and i'll go crazy 25.11.09 another dream. so vivid. that's how all nights are like. i was in a deep hall, there was haze, smoke, jumping on one leg and screaming like the other one was on fire, except i was in a good place, friends all round (you don't count) hands all round, diamonds falling out of the sky, jumping around on beds, checking your reflection in other people's eyes, everything can be excused. grab his waist and spin him around, interlocking fingers and jiggly dances. heads thrown back in mad laughter, happy, happy thoughts, happy sometimes i don't know what's going on anymore. sitting on the black floor of a dim toilet with the door locked with my arms folded over my head. giving up counting the tiles. ten across, and then there was another horizontal, and then another, a square. then the door is throwned open, hurling all of us into another dimension. the dreams plunge me into a strange form of limbo. acjc acsian theatre rehearsals this whole week from 9am to 11.30pm, costume/make up for cip hours. sewing till my fingers bleed 24.11.09 awkward jaws, awkward motions. missing people in the dark. giant ants, your regular russian red army. they scuttled up my body and dragged a thick river of honey down my throat. in my sleep a separate universe spins out of my eyes. in my sleep you wrote letters to my address, slow and sweet. little elves sewed my dream-dresses, my thin black lace gown flying and dancing while tiny hands fixed seams, folded cloth, took measuring tape to my waist and cried. for the disappearance of sunlight hair. for the dying child in the dark. wake up, before they stick needles into your skin and push plastic tubes filled with god-knows-what into your nose. you have to choose, i've said before. but this time it isn't a matter of the heart. its life or darkness. last december we looked out the window and we saw the moon eaten alive by winter. bit by bit, chewed down to the last slice the last crescent. then the sun being swallowed whole. my stomach, a reflection of what's outside. trying to collect these feelings; missing. as an emotion that means intense desire, and not a loss. but they slip through my fingers and spills onto the waxed floor. gone, i can't keep track of yesterday or last week or the fifteen years of waiting. and missing. sudden blood trickling down my thighs. his face being faxed over to europe. (the phone rings. a passive voice, waiting. europe? when? for good? bite back your tongue and hang up, before exclamation marks and questions betray your calm) quick fix, pre-emptive measures, capsules shaken into open palm. your life is a lie i want to believe. in the end we are only left with one-word answers: yes, maybe. enough. please. desperate. waitnowhereareyougoingpleasedon'tleaveme. if i don't see the woods then foxes do not exist. a bird dying two oceans away is already dead to me. you, with your house and your wife and your three children, the quiet wedding in hawaii where i wanted to --- the long elegant french windows you promised ------- your small garden and side swing and a red mailbox and a dalmatian and bookshelves filled with my favourite books garden parties so fabulous they were featured in vogue living, i know this because one day she invited me over for tea and i came, clutching the thin strand of the hope that you might be around. because we both know that fifteen years is too long. too long. if you're not here by three fifteen i'll leave. balancing pristine teacups filled with expensive tealeaves and boiled evian water (who does that anyway. uses bottled water to make tea.) and "just one cube of sugar please we sat and she talked happily about married life while i pleaded with the godfathers of time for the clock to turn to three. fucking. fifteen. in the end: you, me. we opt for blank features, filtered words, and this sick muted acceptance. 23.11.09 I'm unhappy because I am dead and I miss you.  to be despised, to be loved to be dreamt of, to be sought I'm the inside of "I don't care" be my unholy my one and my lonely black hair, strutting like a peacock. what was it i said you were? abrupt. but interesting. these days the hallways seem to throw up people my heart would like to latch on to. in a dream, of course. tip forward, then back.. he wears confidence like a second skin and it is kinda, really really wildly attractive. . . infinity 2008 take your time to trust in me and you will find infinity this reminds me of last wednesday at velvet ~epic~ 22.11.09 i am calling the following paragraph "the distinction between pain and pleasure" +...jpg)
falling. falling quickly, a slow drifting towards the infinite sequence, the numbers falling and repeating and falling, shuffling backwards through time. twice, twice over. the water comes in a rolling open-world motion, water gripping my wrists and my ankles and i open my arms to give myself over to the waves. not a violation, a gift. the water nymph running his ice-cold tongue over my shivering body, closed eyes. tongue touching teeth. open, and then close. with a jolt, a clammy hand clasping the feathers. i shudder. twice. let the cold melt you from the inside, your secret glass palace melting. outside in the rain, the grey sky began to crumple. i would tell you the truth but, what would i do should you flee. with your hand on the second hand of the clock. dapper, and gold. underneath the mistletoe and in a dream, i said your name. twice. my face on your face. tongue touching teeth. you said wait, we're running out of eggnog. the fire's growing cold. you took with you the stethoscope i was wearing and the last shard of my mind and never came back. sometimes i think i'm still waiting.
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