hands down
I'm too proud, for love
but with eyes shut
it's you I'm thinking of
but how we move from A to B it can't be up to me
cos I don't know
eye to eye
thigh to thigh
I let go
good morning first day of the last month of the year. december please be good to me.
29.11.09
FOR SALE
1) 160gb 6th Gen iPod Classic, gorgeous dark brown leather cover included, pristine condition, still under warranty, $320 2) 32gb 2nd Gen iPod Touch, scratchy mirrored back but other than that is in full working condition with a protective screen over the front, still with 6 more months of warranty, $350
SUCH GOOD DEALS RIGHT!!!! yup so if you're seriously interested, email me at herbonestructure@gmail.com, price is negotiable if your offer is reasonable! all my music (click here to see), videos (gossip girl, the office, grey's anatomy, how i met your mother, skins), and flood-it high scores (flooded in 15, beat that ging!) will be included if you like :)
27.11.09
my life may not always be peachy-keen but i get by with a little help from my friends. and trust me, that's all you really need.
drop this and i'll go crazy
25.11.09
another dream. so vivid. that's how all nights are like. i was in a deep hall, there was haze, smoke, jumping on one leg and screaming like the other one was on fire, except i was in a good place, friends all round (you don't count) hands all round, diamonds falling out of the sky, jumping around on beds, checking your reflection in other people's eyes, everything can be excused. grab his waist and spin him around, interlocking fingers and jiggly dances. heads thrown back in mad laughter, happy, happy thoughts, happy
sometimes i don't know what's going on anymore. sitting on the black floor of a dim toilet with the door locked with my arms folded over my head. giving up counting the tiles. ten across, and then there was another horizontal, and then another, a square. then the door is throwned open, hurling all of us into another dimension. the dreams plunge me into a strange form of limbo.
acjc acsian theatre rehearsals this whole week from 9am to 11.30pm, costume/make up for cip hours. sewing till my fingers bleed
24.11.09
awkward jaws, awkward motions. missing people
in the dark. giant ants, your regular russian red army. they
scuttled up my body and dragged a thick river of honey
down my throat. in my sleep a separate universe spins out of
my eyes. in my sleep you wrote letters to my
address, slow and sweet. little elves sewed my dream-dresses,
my thin black lace gown flying and dancing while tiny
hands fixed seams, folded cloth, took measuring tape to my
waist and cried. for the disappearance of sunlight hair.
for the dying child in the dark. wake up, before
they stick needles into your skin and push plastic tubes filled
with god-knows-what into your nose. you have
to choose, i've said before.
but this time it isn't a matter of the heart.
its life or darkness. last december we looked out the window and we saw
the moon eaten alive by winter. bit by bit, chewed down to the last slice
the last crescent. then the sun being swallowed whole. my stomach,
a reflection of what's outside. trying to collect these feelings; missing.
as an emotion that means intense desire, and not a loss.
but they slip through my fingers and spills onto the waxed floor.
gone, i can't keep track of yesterday or last week or the fifteen years
of waiting. and missing. sudden blood trickling down my thighs.
his face being faxed over to europe. (the phone rings. a passive voice,
waiting. europe? when? for good? bite back your tongue and
hang up, before exclamation marks and questions betray your calm) quick fix, pre-emptive measures,
capsules shaken into open palm. your life is a lie i want to believe.
in the end we are only left
with one-word answers: yes, maybe. enough. please. desperate.
waitnowhereareyougoingpleasedon'tleaveme. if i don't see the woods
then foxes do not exist. a bird dying two oceans away is already dead
to me. you, with your house and your wife and your three children,
the quiet wedding in hawaii where i wanted to ---
the long elegant french windows you promised -------
your small garden and side swing and
a red mailbox and a dalmatian and
bookshelves filled with my favourite books
garden parties so fabulous they were featured in vogue living,
i know this because one day she invited me over for tea
and i came, clutching the thin strand of the hope that you
might be around. because we both know that fifteen years is
too long. too long. if you're not here by three fifteen i'll leave.
balancing pristine teacups filled with expensive tealeaves and
boiled evian water (who does that anyway. uses bottled water to make
tea.) and "just one cube of sugar please
we sat and she talked happily about married life
while i pleaded with the godfathers of time for the clock to turn
to three. fucking. fifteen.
in the end:
you, me.
we opt for blank features, filtered words,
and this sick muted acceptance.
23.11.09
I'm unhappy because I am dead and I miss you.
to be despised, to be loved
to be dreamt of, to be sought
I'm the inside of "I don't care"
be my unholy
my one and my lonely
black hair, strutting like a peacock. what was it i said you were? abrupt. but interesting. these days the hallways seem to throw up people my heart would like to latch on to. in a dream, of course. tip forward, then back.. he wears confidence like a second skin and it is kinda, really
really wildly attractive.
. .
infinity 2008
take your time to trust in me and you will find infinity
this reminds me of last wednesday at velvet ~epic~
22.11.09
i am calling the following paragraph "the distinction between pain and pleasure"
falling. falling quickly, a slow drifting towards the infinite sequence, the numbers falling and repeating and falling, shuffling backwards through time. twice, twice over. the water comes in a rolling open-world motion, water gripping my wrists and my ankles and i open my arms to give myself over to the waves. not a violation, a gift. the water nymph running his ice-cold tongue over my shivering body, closed eyes. tongue touching teeth. open, and then close. with a jolt, a clammy hand clasping the feathers. i shudder. twice. let the cold melt you from the inside, your secret glass palace melting. outside in the rain, the grey sky began to crumple. i would tell you the truth but, what would i do should you flee. with your hand on the second hand of the clock. dapper, and gold. underneath the mistletoe and in a dream, i said your name. twice. my face on your face. tongue touching teeth. you said wait, we're running out of eggnog. the fire's growing cold. you took with you the stethoscope i was wearing and the last shard of my mind and never came back. sometimes i think i'm still waiting.
the past week was spent in the underbelly of the cpa with audz, isk, sherlyn jess and the drama kids. skipping happily down to the food point to grab granola, sleeping under the heavy costumes, shivering while watching the performance from the wings of the stage, caking faces with blushes, meeting new people.. drama kids are, well, very dramatic. but it was a good experience, i'm really glad cassi asked me to help out! and hello there eighty hours of cip. one day with the ib kids and hannah emma and athena at ib post-prom, i had a good time! friday night i watched the count of monte cristo with shu and mel, and i wept during the pris/bryant scenes.. so nice to finally watch it as part of the audience and not backstage. we could see the costumes glittering as the girls danced around. love you costumiers. and another day at laidback luke, finding quiet in the midst of trippy head-banging noise, and supper with what doug calls the bukitimahites, or something to the extent. because doug, hannah, alex and i live in one straight line, in that order. twas a good end to a dreary night. huishan's birthday party, with ren jie's planning of an epic seven course meal. i will always remember aki's french onion soup. and the performances were hilarious. happy eighteenth shan :) have fun in hongkong, i'll miss you and athena very much! won't see you guys till end december.. today i bought stuff for my minolta x-700, lens cap lens filter cleaning kit etc., then went down to east coast park with jgoh and yao and we biked up and down the coastline. climbed down into the almost-vertical-sloped advanced skater's pit and we tried to sprint back up but my ass got dragged down by gravity. super fun! but i missed tiff and alex. alex screwed up his back during his touch rug game and he has to rest for four days so i don't think i'll see him till i get back. at night i dropped by xingting's place to get the ipod charger i left at her house the night i stayed over. the week ahead is going to be super busy! tomorrow i'm meeting shu and eve to watch fantastic mr. fox at 11.30am but seeing as eve and i were on the phone till 2am i don't know how we're going to wake up. haha but i always manage to i guess. after the movie, shopping, and then i'm meeting eliseus to watch new moon! wednesday, meeting davelle, then vicky. thursday kara lim comes home from australia so i'm reserving the whole day for her. friday, arts council meeting and then at night i'm leaving for italy! till the 22nd see you then x
1) 160gb 6th Gen iPod Classic, gorgeous dark brown leather cover included, pristine condition, still under warranty, $320 2) 32gb 2nd Gen iPod Touch, scratchy mirrored back but other than that is in full working condition with a protective screen over the front, still with 6 more months of warranty, $350
SUCH GOOD DEALS RIGHT!!!! yup so if you're seriously interested, email me at herbonestructure@gmail.com, price is negotiable if your offer is reasonable! all my music (click here to see), videos (gossip girl, the office, grey's anatomy, how i met your mother, skins), and flood-it high scores (flooded in 15, beat that ging!) will be included if you like :)
awkward jaws, awkward motions. missing people in the dark. giant ants, your regular russian red army. they scuttled up my body and dragged a thick river of honey down my throat. in my sleep a separate universe spins out of my eyes. in my sleep you wrote letters to my address, slow and sweet. little elves sewed my dream-dresses, my thin black lace gown flying and dancing while tiny hands fixed seams, folded cloth, took measuring tape to my waist and cried. for the disappearance of sunlight hair. for the dying child in the dark. wake up, before they stick needles into your skin and push plastic tubes filled with god-knows-what into your nose. you have to choose, i've said before.
but this time it isn't a matter of the heart. its life or darkness. last december we looked out the window and we saw the moon eaten alive by winter. bit by bit, chewed down to the last slice the last crescent. then the sun being swallowed whole. my stomach, a reflection of what's outside. trying to collect these feelings; missing. as an emotion that means intense desire, and not a loss. but they slip through my fingers and spills onto the waxed floor. gone, i can't keep track of yesterday or last week or the fifteen years of waiting. and missing. sudden blood trickling down my thighs. his face being faxed over to europe. (the phone rings. a passive voice, waiting. europe? when? for good? bite back your tongue and hang up) quick fix, pre-emptive measures, capsules shaken into open palm. your life is a lie i want to believe.
in the end we are only left with one-word answers: yes, maybe. enough. please. desperate. waitnowhereareyougoingpleasedon'tleaveme. if i don't see the woods then foxes do not exist. a bird dying two oceans away is already dead to me. you, with your house and your wife and your three children, the quiet wedding in hawaii where i wanted to --- the long elegant french windows you promised ------- your small garden and side swing and a red mailbox and a dalmatian and bookshelves filled with my favourite books garden parties so fabulous they were featured in vogue living, i have zipped you up into a bag and flung your everything far over my shoulder. zipped you straight into non-existence.
one day she invited me over for tea and i came, stupidly, clutching the thin strand of the hope that you might be around. because we both know that fifteen years is too long. too long. sitting on my hands before they betray me. so we sat there balancing pristine teacups filled with expensive tealeaves and boiled evian water (who does that anyway. uses bottled water to make tea.) and "just one cube of sugar please" and i listened to her babble on happily about married life while i pleaded with the godfathers of time for his face / a fresh breath / three fucking fifteen so i could leave before anyone else realised what a fool i had been. love indeed.
in the end: you, me. we opt for blank features, filtered words, and this sick muted acceptance.
i am calling the following paragraph "the distinction between pain and pleasure"
falling. falling quickly, a slow drifting towards the infinite sequence, the numbers falling and repeating and falling, shuffling backwards through time. twice, twice over. the water comes in a rolling open-world motion, water gripping my wrists and my ankles and i open my arms to give myself over to the waves. not a violation, a gift. the water nymph running his ice-cold tongue over my shivering body, closed eyes. tongue touching teeth. open, and then close. with a jolt, a clammy hand clasping the feathers. i shudder. twice. let the cold melt you from the inside, your secret glass palace melting. outside in the rain, the grey sky began to crumple. i would tell you the truth but, what would i do should you flee. with your hand on the second hand of the clock. dapper, and gold. underneath the mistletoe and in a dream, i said your name. twice. my face on your face. tongue touching teeth. you said wait, we're running out of eggnog. the fire's growing cold. you took with you the stethoscope i was wearing and the last shard of my mind and never came back. sometimes i think i'm still waiting.
this is not a test or an SOS I'm no longer on a quest to get girls undressed I search through their hearts and no treasure found I'm so lucky this one lets dogs hang around it's good having somebody good for a change I thought that no good dirty cheats had drove me insane I had finally given up on love and romance if I laid down the sword, I'm giving my innocence
coming for your heart like a cannibal oh, she lets me right in and I fed 'til I'm full if something goes wrong, I'm accountable oh, a life without her is no life at all I la la la la la la la la love you, cannibal queen
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